


I Am My Favorite Villain

by Snorp_Lord



Series: Actors AU [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's a doozy boys, M/M, Touch-Starved Anti
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-16 06:37:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21503509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snorp_Lord/pseuds/Snorp_Lord
Summary: Set in an alternate universe where the egos are instead small-time actors, all working with famous YouTuber Sean McLoughlin to create the tale of a struggle against Antisepticeye, a glitch demon who seemingly has no weaknesses or doubts. His actor, Anti Kane, often wishes he was more like the role he plays. Maybe then he wouldn't always feel so bad about being the villain.
Relationships: Jackieboyman/Marvin the Magnificent
Series: Actors AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1555768
Comments: 13
Kudos: 49





	1. Exposition

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SneezeMaster (ema670)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ema670/gifts).



> Dedicated to the wonderful Sneeze, who stayed up at 4am with me helping plot this au!

They all noticed how Anti had changed since Say Goodbye. The video had been Anti’s big debut as a real villain, a looming threat, the antagonist of their story, and the fanbase had been buzzing with activity since then. At first, the actor seemed happy with it. The fans were so impressed by the video that some were even genuinely scared of him. 

They were scared of him.

More than usual.

Which was fine! Having played a villain so well that people really thought he was out for blood was awesome! None of the other egos had gotten a chance to do that! Their power hours had essentially been them being themselves, messing around with cheap magic kits and toys. Hell, Jackie hadn’t even really had a dedicated video. He just got to play that dumb South Park game that half the subscribers hadn’t watched. Besides, while he laughed at the jokes, Jackie probably would have liked a more wholesome game, so he could teach all his young fans good lessons. Really, Anti had gotten a pretty good deal compared to the other egos.

So why didn’t it really feel like it? Why did it feel like there was a pit in his stomach that grew and grew with each new appearance? Could it be the way even the others tended to avoid him when he was in full costume, confessing that they were freaked out by the look of that cut oozing fake blood down his neck? 

Occasionally the rather dark thought crossed his mind that they would be even more freaked out when they saw him with his throat really cut. Part of him wanted to see their reactions. To see if Chase would fret over what he could have done to help, to see Henrik shakily take his pulse while trying to ignore the blood running down his arm, maybe hear Jackie insist on carrying him to a hospital. It was a fucked up thought to be sure, but hey. He was the villain. Maybe it was just time for him to accept his role.

He already slashed up his arms after videos were posted. What was one more cut? Hell, if it only went skin-deep, he could cover it with makeup. With all the videos, he was arguably one of the most experienced in the group with doing convincing makeup, besides Marvin. 

Trying out makeup with Marvin was always fun. Even when just trying out new eyeliners, or seeing how far he could draw an eyeliner wing without making it wonky (his record was about two inches), the magician’s overwhelming confidence always brought some kind of smile to his face. If homosexuality was a person, that person would be Marvin, but he managed to make it endearing instead of annoying. And the constant flailing of his hands just added to the dramatic image that Anti loved. Not in the same way he was sure Jackie loved Marvin. More like a younger brother. As in, if Jackie ended up actually making a move, but hurt Marvin by being his usual dumbass self, Anti might actually punch him. Back when Anti mentioned that he would happily fight someone for the first time in his life in order to protect Marvin, the only response had been surprise. Surprise that Anti had never been in a fight before.

Anti found that slightly unfair. He grew up in the kind of area where most fights ended in knives being pulled on people, and even guns, on occasion. Unlike some kids he’d known back then, he wasn’t one for fights. Everyone knew he had a temper on him. Some even tried to provoke him. But he did what he knew was best, and ignored them. Kept his head held high. People knew he was good with computers, that he got assignments done on time, but that was it. Because he would rather prepare and get out of there as soon as possible than waste time making friends he wouldn’t talk to.

Anti didn’t actually like fighting. Just offering to hit someone for Marvin was a pretty big fucking deal. Even though the magician couldn’t possibly understand the significance of what he was being given so easily, a part of Anti resented him for it anyway, regardless of how stupid or petty it was. The level of trust it had taken just for Anti to reveal he hadn’t been in a fight before was huge. But no, nobody fucking appreciated the effort he was putting in. Because it all came so naturally to them. The jokes, the touches, the ease with which they opened up to each other, it  _ hurt _ .

Because he wanted it. It hurt because Anti was trying so hard he could feel the strain every day, but nobody noticed. His best was so much less than what someone like Chase could manage easily. While Chase could just pop up and hold his arms out for hugs, Anti tended to shy away at even the most fleeting touch. Despite knowing that it hurt them, he couldn’t control his instinctive flinches when Sean lay a hand on his shoulder or Jackie slid an arm around him. It didn’t even make sense. Wasn’t like his parents hit him or something. Hell, maybe if they did, he’d have something to blame it on, a reason that would make sense of the stupid flinches.

Eventually people stopped touching him. At least he didn’t flinch anymore, so that was something. Not being touchy had been a bit of a barrier while filming, but thankfully he didn’t end up on many of the videos filmed at Sean’s home, where the camera view was so small that standing in each other’s personal space was almost inevitable. His videos were mostly the ones filmed at rented studio spaces, or Henrik’s house if needed. Nice and open. Since YouTube was actually taking their ragtag operation somewhat seriously, then had about enough to rent out areas that suited their story, though Sean always tried to use locations they didn’t have to pay for. There was also the matter of paying for the actors. While all of them had day jobs (except Anti, as a nasty voice in his mind kept reminding him), filming took time. Often it ended up in unpaid time off, so Sean insisted on giving them all a decent enough amount of money to get them through. He still had to pay for his own home, so of course there was only so much money they could get.

None of them knew that Anti was surviving more on that little share than his actual day job. He didn’t want them to know. Refusing to let them come over to his place probably gave them all the wrong impressions, but Anti threw it on the mental pile of shit he didn’t want to deal with. Ever. Someone was going to ask sooner or later, but that was a problem for Future Anti. Then again, Future Anti had to deal with a lot of stuff. Like all those 

stupid video comments.

“The fuck…’Is is just me or is Anti so much less interesting now that he’s just an edgy Darkiplier clone…?’ Edgy clone?” Anti read yet another comment with half-closed eyes, sighing again softly. A new video had gone up, a particularly cryptic one that centred on Chase, but had the one cameo Anti was really fucking looking forward to. They were trying something new for the character, ever since they’d done two Anti videos in a row which most subscribers couldn’t even tell apart. Giggling and glitching had gotten old, so Sean had written in new, more subtle appearances like Quit The Game to Win. Both of them were thrilled to show off the new direction they were taking Anti’s character. Most of the reception had been positive, too, and Anti couldn’t wait for his cameo in CHASE. 

Scrolling through, he noticed quite a few viewers who didn’t even recognize him. Second Jack? The two of them didn’t even look that alike, for God’s sake! 

_ Anti should stick to the editing.  _

_ Just let Chase have his own video Jack! _

_ Anyone else think Anti’s been hogging lately? _

As he moved down through the comments, more and more of the same piled in; he was selfish for showing up in Chase’s video (it wasn’t his fault that Sean had written him in). He should get back to editing like he used to (ruining his spine trying to make strangers laugh). He was ‘cringy’ or ‘edgy’ or ‘creepy’. Creepy would have actually been a compliment, if people were taking him seriously. 

Maybe he should take a break. Find a real job. Maybe then he could actually rent a decent place, instead of staying in that crappy apartment next to a nightclub, being kept up by pounding music just before filming. Though the sleep deprivation probably made him just the right level of pissed off to play the character of Anti well. Thinking of it like that forced a bitter chuckle from his lips. Was that why people treated him like he was his character? 

Fuck it. Reading YouTube comments on the way home never made him feel good. All the praise seemed to funnel straight to Sean, while he got the occasional shoutout, and he often ended up staying awake until the early hours wondering why that was. Was it just because Sean was the face of the channel? Or did people just really think he was that bad?

Having the word ‘murderer’ painted on his door seemed to answer that question.

“No, no, fuck…” Anti’s fingertips gently brushed the still-wet red paint, coming away stained with the same bloody colour. To be honest, it was a miracle he could even see it, considering his door was clinging by one hinge like a man dangling from a noose. Somebody broke in. Somebody could still be in his house, judging by how wet the spray paint was, and Anti shivered just at the thought. Should he call the police? Or hell, maybe he should get his things out. Police getting involved meant news, it meant eyes being turned to Sean and every other actor on the channel, then there would be articles and videos and people dragging their names through the mud. Would people take the graffiti seriously and think he’d killed someone? A horrible twisting feeling in his chest suggested that he didn’t want an answer to that. 

Anti stepped through the doorway, avoiding the floorboard under his welcome mat that always creaked. If someone was here to rob him, they’d be in the living room, taking something like the tv. But they clearly weren’t there for money. With that in mind, Anti began to wonder if someone was still in his apartment, hiding somewhere. Images flashed across his vision of being grabbed, being dragged out to God-knows-where…He couldn’t stay in this damn house. At least he could grab some money from his room. The emergency stash in his desk. That was all he needed, then he could get out of this damn place. 

On closer inspection, it wasn’t just the door that was completely ruined, nor was it the only surface painted with that same word.  _ Murderer.  _ Haphazardly painted on his walls, carved into some of the walls, tables, and other furniture with different levels of force. Just the sight made Anti uncomfortable. Get the money. Get the money. Get out of there. Even if Anti had wanted to sleep in his own bed, that proved to be impossible once he found his way into the bedroom, and saw the absolute  _ mess  _ that had been made of it. He hadn’t kept it completely clean, of course not, but never had there been shredded clothes or bed sheets flung about like miserable paint-stained confetti. The bed itself was virtually unrecognizable, a crushed and twisted skeleton piercing the soft mattress. Trying to sleep on it would only get him impaled. He avoided looking while fishing a cheap plastic wallet from his desk. Emergency money. It was lighter than he remembered.

Fuck it. No way was he staying here. But he wasn’t going to someone else’s place either. Henrik’s stupid massive house was across the city from him, and Chase lived in his own tiny flat not far from it, with no room to house someone else. Jackie and Marvin lived together. They wouldn’t mind having him. Jamie could probably do it too, or Sean. He had options.

Except they weren’t really options. Going to one of them at this hour would get pitying looks and prying questions, if they were even awake. What with it being 3am already. By the time he got to someone’s house, they would just be freaked out, right? 

But the studio was in walking distance. They had it rented for the next three weeks. That had to be enough time to find somewhere else. And there was a couch in the unused office. 

It would have to do. Anti sighed, pocketed the money, and went on his way, rubbing his bare arms to try and warm himself up.


	2. Climax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anti has a public meltdown before disappearing for a week. Sean and the others try to deal with it.

Sleeping on the sofa was a horrible fucking idea. Anti took an extra hour to drift off just trying to get comfortable on the freezing leather cushions, feeling every lump of stuffing dig into him in new and irritating ways as he tried to adjust himself into a comfortable enough position to just fucking sleep. Somehow, despite not even being thirty, Anti felt so goddamn old. Here he was complaining about his back. 

There were starving people in the world, and some out there who didn't even have a lumpy couch to lie on, and he was complaining. He felt like a complete and utter dick. With nothing better to do, he decided to check on a few of his accounts online. Thank God he charged it before he left the day before. Ninety-four percent battery. And if there was one thing that Anti actually liked about the office (because he wasn't there for the damn back pain), it was the strong Wi-Fi signal, reliably letting him respond to fan asks quickly. He got a hell of a lot, but it was easy to sort through some of them.

“Will you tell Sean- delete. Do you know what Jack’s favourite- fuck that. Go on a date with Sean? Oh, fuck off. I’m not doing that shit!” Anti threw his head back, gritting his teeth so hard he could hear them grinding again, and he knew both from the way his head smacked into the armrest and the dull ache in his jaw that he’d be dealing with a migraine later. All because of the fucking fans. Sean’s fans. Not his. 

Fans wouldn’t trash his house, or scream at him in the street for hurting Sean, even though he would rather cut his own damn throat than Sean’s. Once he’d accidentally nicked the other’s hand while passing him the knife for Say Goodbye, and had insisted on dragging him to Henrik immediately. It enhanced the video, sure, but Anti had just felt so damn guilty, seemingly for no reason. Even the notoriously unemotional doctor had caught on to his unease. But he didn’t say anything. Worried Anti was even more likely to have some kind of emotional explosion than the normal one. 

Right then, the worries were gnawing at him, a swarm of tiny fish nibbling on his flesh, so he ground his teeth harder, and felt more than heard the way they were slowly being worn into nothing. Years of quiet resentment. For himself, maybe some for other people too. 

“Fine. You wanna hear what I think of those fuckers? What I think of you?” Anti growled to himself. His teeth were still grinding audibly. Maybe it was time to make an actual statement, instead of bottling things up and punching walls or giving himself more migraines. Why did he bother trying his hardest being nice to everyone if they didn’t appreciate it? So fuck it.

“Dear morons-” No. Too direct for an opener. Most people would switch off or refuse to read any further. 

_ Dear subs.  _ Better.

_ First things first, sorry for not being active.  _ Wasn’t like he had a life or anything. People just expected him to be online twenty-four hours, seven days a week.  _ I’m sure you all get how busy it gets! Filming gets super stressful, but at least we have a team on this one! YouTube have been really helpful lately, so kudos to them, for once.  _ So chipper. Anti wanted to throw up. He sounded like a terrible replica of Sean, with none of the naive joy behind it that made his posts so genuine.  _ I know not everyone is happy that I showed up in Chase’s video, but I didn’t write it, and I thought you guys would like it anyway.  _ No he didn’t, he knew from the second the cameo was offered to him that nobody would want to see him there. The fan favourite, being supplanted by the villain. Nobody wanted that.  _ The video probably would have turned out better without that part, especially since that was a pretty big scene for Chase. In future I’ll tell Sean to cut down on the cameos.  _ Even though it hurt to think of saying it. Appearing in videos made Anti buzz with excitement, with some of the other actors commenting on how much lighter he seemed when he was waiting to go on set. It had been hard to sit still enough in the car to seem calm and collected on camera.

_ Since I’m compromising with you guys, I wanna ask for something from you too. I leave the ask box open so you guys can talk to  _ **_me_ ** _. Not so I can send messages to Sean, or collab with the other guys. If we wanted suggestions, we’d ask. If you’re trying to ask for one of them, fuck off.  _ That might be a little too aggressive. They would probably get it, right? Since it was only directed at the people sending asks about the rest of them. All of them had accounts, for fuck’s sake. But they weren’t stupid enough to leave their ask boxes open all day every day. _ I get that people aren’t here for me, but seriously, fuck right off if you’re here to talk about them. Any more asks like that and the ask box closes. I’m not messing around here.  _ He hated just the thought of ignoring people’s genuine asks, but he couldn’t keep fielding questions from everyone like some kind of secretary, even if he would miss out on all those super cool messages that were actually for him. It felt as though he was back to his days as an editor, and that hurt more than any migraine.  _ Obviously I don’t want to do that. Just think before you send stuff. I don’t think you guys are stupid or anything. _

Next order of business... _ On another note, I probably won’t be in videos as much for a while.  _ Or ever. People hated it when he showed up in other people’s videos. People hated it when he had his own videos. What the hell else was he supposed to do?  _ I might get back to editing, or maybe just try and limit how much I’m involved at all. Not sure yet. You guys let me know what to do _ since you run my fucking life apparently  _ and tell me if you like it when I get back to editing  _ I’m giving you what you want right just leave me alone  _ or if you’d rather I step back I’ll have to talk to the guys either way  _ even though I know what they’ll say-

Anti paused in his typing, noticing the warmth that was _ burning _ behind his eyes. He just wanted people to actually like what he was doing. Sure, it had manifested in different ways while he worked with Sean, but that desperate need was there. It had been there when he stayed up late adding a few more jokes to the videos while editing, and when he insisted on refilming everything twice. Probably all people ever saw of that was Anti pushing back deadlines. Making a nuisance of himself. Again and again he saw comments like that. Each time Sean insisted most people didn’t actually care, but that couldn’t be true if there were comments, surely. Comments only ended up on videos because people cared. That was the only damn reason. And they cared enough to let Sean know that whatever Anti was doing was always wrong. Always. Always. Wrong.

Anti didn’t even care enough to edit it before posting. He just fumbled to hit the post button and put his phone back down before he had to see a reply. A vaugue post probably wouldn’t be taken too well, but what would people do? Trash his house? A bitter chuckle escaped him, though it sounded more like a sob, and he turned over to go back to sleep as voices started to filter through from the filming space.

“Yo, have you seen Anti’s new post? This is bad, this is really super bad-” Chase was still their public relations guy, with his day job in marketing helping them both pitch to YouTube when hoping to make new projects, and seeing Anti almost attack their fans only to make some nebulous statement about maybe pulling back from filming? “He basically told everyone to fuck off, this is the worst-!” And the fan reception over the last week had been insane. People were outright attacking Anti in response, some even going on to send anon replies that Anti had simply posted with a full stop as the only answer, seemingly having nothing to say at first. As the asks increased, his replies had morphed into nasty, biting remarks about what the people must be like in real life. To say nothing of those who were stupid enough to send an ask from their actual accounts. Fairly innocent questions about how Anti was doing from the bigger blogs in the fandom had him insulting their art and their theories, tearing them down with harsh insults. Each new post made Chase die a little more inside.

A reassuring hand landed on his shoulder, with Marvin popping up not long after to hug him. 

“Anti just doesn’t like getting those kinds of asks, you know how he is. I’ll talk to him when he comes back. Robin had the same thing a while back, after he took over from Anti, remember? I’m sure it’s fine. Don’t worry.” 

“Still, who does stuff like this without telling us? He’s saying stuff about going back to editing! We can’t do  _ Anti  _ videos without our bloody  _ Anti! _ ” None of them were as good at the role as he was. Back in the normal gameplay videos, Sean had found he’d underestimated how hard it was to get into that particular character, and had ended up calling their friend in to record some clips. Quiet pride shone in his eyes when he heard that nobody else could play the part like he could. Filming for Henrik’s part of those cut-up videos had ended up being brought forward so they could record Anti’s lines in the same day. 

In the evening after filming, Marvin fondly remembered Anti dragging them all out for a drink, talking Sean’s ears off about some of the cool things he’d dreamed up for the character to do next. Even better was the grin they were treated to when Anti was told that Sean had ended up taking notes on his phone to use them in later videos. Marvin had seen him smile before, usually that little smirk that tugged on the corners of his mouth when he saw Jackie fail a trick or Robin came up to him looking for advice.

Everyone knew Robin just liked hanging out with Anti. None of them called him out on it. Anti was a smart guy, and someday, surely, he’d figure out that Robin knew how to use the bulge effect already. Or maybe he already had, and neither of them felt like calling the new editor out just yet. Honestly, it was kind of adorable, the way Robin had latched onto him like a little duckling.

“Chase, could you do a post about Anti’s...whatever it was? He was making some weird promises, I don’t wanna stay quiet and let people get the wrong idea in their heads. Can you take care of it? I’m not as good with talking to people as you are, buddy.” Sean poked his head into the break room once he heard where the voices were coming from. His slightly concerned frown was clearly crafted to show a small amount of worry without making either of them fret even more than they already were. 

Sean was like that. He hated bothering people. In fact he and Anti were alike in that sense, a fact that just made Sean worry about him all the more. In all the time Sean had known him, Anti had been so fixed on making everyone else happy, trying to juggle everyone else’s needs before his own, even when it weighed on him. That weight was so visible sometimes it  _ hurt _ , especially since it was that same stubborn selflessness that made him insist he was fine every single time someone asked.

Still, that wasn’t going to stop Sean from asking later. Anti was booked in to film a few clips today, mostly so Sean actually had a chance to talk to him, instead of letting his grumpy friend hide away god-knows-where, making himself miserable and isolated for no reason. Maybe he was getting stuck in his own head again. Not like this was Anti’s first public meltdown. Most of the time he just needed a little attention, or a night out to confirm that yes, their group still wanted to be his friend. While Sean liked to think he was pretty aware of how Anti was doing at any given time, seeing him make wild promises and ignore all their plans was a clear sign he had no idea what he was doing when it came to the younger actor.

“Okay, tell me how this sounds: Anti was misinformed about some of the upcoming video plans. To all you fans: don’t worry! He’ll still be in most of the upcoming ego content, and we’re really excited about some of the videos planned for him, Anti most of all! I can only apologize for what’s been said about the ask box. Getting asks about other people can be annoying, but that’s no reason to fly off the handle. We’ll talk to him on that one. Keep the PMA, everyone, and we’ll see you in the next video!” Chase’s one was always the same when he wrote community announcements. Upbeat and reassuring in the way that only Chase really knew how to be, probably from dozens of calm talks with his children while the divorce was going through. 

“Yeah, yeah, sounds good. Post it already. I’m gonna call him, ask where he is. We were supposed to start filming in five minutes. I don’t think he’s gonna be on time. If he even shows.” 

Anti never missed filming before. Just the idea of him doing it somehow made everyone a little uncomfortable. How would they even get anything finished on time? They needed new footage for every. Single. Scene. More of Anti’s voice, and a few shots of his face to edit over the shots of Jackie slipping under the glitch’s influence. In the last week, they’d gotten about twice as much footage as they really needed, all to avoid thinking about the unanswered calls and texts regarding Anti’s scenes.

He had been so excited about filming those. 

“...Well, I’ll go set up the camera.” Having had enough of the silence, Chase slipped out to give both of them a chance to talk. Not that they were probably going to. It felt wrong, somehow, to talk about filming if not everyone was going to be there. While it wasn’t a new feeling (the same awkwardness had reigned back when Jamie had been away for his surgery, while Henrik insisted on supervising the doctors who were caring for him), it was certainly different. Jamie had been forced to go for surgery. Here it felt like Anti was pulling away from them. Suddenly and painfully, too, like a bandage being pulled from a still-seeping wound. 

“Oh shit, I must have left it back in the damn office-” Chase spun on his heel and went for the back office instead of the main filming space. “How’d I even do that, nobody’s used the thing in weeks-”

As he opened the door, Chase recoiled a little. Did it always smell so bad in there? It was like some kind of gross motel room where the sheets never got changed. At least all he had to do was grab the camera. He left it on the sofa, right? 

“Are the lights not working here? Why is it so dark?” He fumbled for the light switch, then flicked it on, and two groans sounded out when harsh fluorescent light flooded into the room. “Bloody hell, that’s bright-”

“Tell me about it.”

Chase froze. God, he’d recognize that voice anywhere. A low growl with the same impossibly thick Irish accent as Sean. They grew up in the same hometown, after all. Nobody else sounded exactly like he did. The kind of voice that seemed scary at first, but grew on you, especially when it was giving quiet compliments to keep people’s moods up on a long day of filming. “A-Anti?” If he hadn’t heard shallow breaths from the sofa, Chase would have assumed he was hearing things, that his worry for Anti and his fears about losing his close friend were finally driving him a little loopy. But he was  _ there _ , Anti had been  _ right there _ all that time while the rest of them were worried that he had been drinking himself stupid again-

No way was he going to let everyone keep worrying. Chase started a group call, stumbling over his words trying to explain while Anti silently shook his head in protest. He only put the phone down when he noticed just how fucking  _ pissed  _ Anti looked. 

  
“What the  _ fuck  _ did you do that for?” 


	3. Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anti can't hide what's happened to him any longer. His ending is happier than any script Sean's ever written.

“A-Anti? What are you talking about?” Chase didn’t mean for his voice to come out so meek, so helpless, but it was just...scary to hear the venom in Anti’s voice, all focused on him. That was the kind of voice he was expecting to hear right before a fight, not from his friend who’d essentially been missing for a week now. “I don’t get it, we were worried! Why are you here?”

“Fuck off!” He didn’t even dignify the question with a response, and just curled back up under his blanket, teeth grinding again. Why the fuck did Chase have to be there? Why did he have to see? Anti was glad to have hidden his things behind the sofa, or things would be even more awkward than they already were, and it would be pretty fucking obvious where he’d been living for the last week. Though maybe Chase could figure it out from the smell. “Was the post just not enough? Don’t you fuckers get it? Leave me alone! I don’t want to see any of you!”

Why did Chase have to look at him like that? That hurt look that reminded him of one of the kids? Chase’s kids had called him Uncle Anti once and it had made his day, the time after he patched them up and promised not to tell their mother that they’d tried sledding down the stairs on tea trays, so long as they didn’t do it again. He loved all three of them, the kids and their dad, but right now he was a mess and he didn’t  _ want  _ anyone there, because he felt like scrap metal, discarded and covered with sharp edges that would cut anyone who came too close, even if that was never the intention. But Chase had called people anyway. Because that was the kind of person he was, always caring for everyone like family. Especially the other actors. He wouldn’t have walked away, regardless of what Anti did to him. Because that was the kind of person he was. But Anti would push anyway, because he’d rather they got a few small cuts than get even more slashed up just from trying to get close to him.

“Leave me alone.”  _ Please.  _ The word never left his mouth, but he could taste the word on his tongue, and he knew Chase could hear it too. Why couldn’t it have been Jamie, or Marvin? Those two were so emotional they probably would have run off in tears the moment Anti snapped at them. Seeing them cry would have broken Anti’s heart, but he could probably take it. Better than they would take hearing about what had happened to his apartment, where he’d been staying for the past week. Especially if they found a way to make it their fault. Marvin would insist that it was because of his role as the ‘hero’ in the fans’ eyes; Anti could hear his voice breaking on the word even without Marvin being there.

“Hey, no...Anti, look, I’m not going anywhere. You need me here right now, you need us, okay? I called them, they’re all gonna come in here, don’t worry-”

“Call again. Say you were wrong. Just tell them I’m not here.” Why was he saying it? In truth, all he wanted was to have them all there. He wanted them to gather around and hold him until he was so warm it was stifling. But he had to push. Push and push and push until his arms ached. Piling up scraps out of view so that nobody had to deal with them and nobody got cut and things would be fine so long as no one went looking. Anti knew they were looking. So he kept pushing. All it did was make them look harder. He was so fucking tired of pushing.

“Anti, please…” 

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” 

“Hey, hey, don’t yell at him!” Jackie came up behind the dad, pulling Chase into his chest like he was the parent. Shielding him from Anti. Did he really scare everyone that much? It wasn’t like he attacked them whenever he was pissed. In fact, he’d nearly gotten in fights on someone else’s behalf multiple times. Mostly Sean. At conventions, there were always people making criticisms of Sean’s work, and Jackie had been forced to carry a cursing, hissing Anti away from a small crowd of people. Back then there were gifs and fanart of Jackie picking him up that made Anti die a little inside. Some people had started shipping them. For once, it was Jackie who’d blown up at people, though the people involved were quick to forgive. 

The self-deprecating stream of thoughts were cut off by Jackie’s voice again, softer. “Anti? You’re, uh...quiet.” Uncharacteristically so. Just breaking the silence somehow gave Jackie the impression that he was doing something wrong, talking in a library or something like that. “Really quiet. Is this too much? Some of us can back off if you want?”

“No-!” Anti knew they were only asking in case he was getting overwhelmed. Often with Jamie’s anxiety, checks like that were important, but it just made Anti feel even more pathetic, like he had to be coddled all the time. Anxiety was an actual reason to be sensitive and need checking on. But regardless of how fucked up his head was, that was just his own stupidity, his own runaway thoughts- “Leave me alone, I don’t wanna fucking see any of you assholes, just fuck off and leave me alone!” The looks they were giving him almost hurt. Nobody was fearful in the way he really  _ needed  _ them to be, the way that would make them back off and take their damn hands away from those cutting edges. Pity, every fucking face he could see, just fear  _ for  _ him, and he hated that he could see exactly where it was coming from. His next planned bout of screaming was quickly rescheduled by Sean’s phone. “Sorry, Robin, I asked him to go look around your place, I’ll let him know we found you okay-”

No no no no nonononono if Robin was at his place then he knew what had happened, Anti was just seconds away from everything being ruined by a simple phone call, what if he took photos or believed in the ridiculous graffiti? “Hang up, hang the fuck up!” But the damage had clearly already been done, if Sean’s expression was anything to go by. Everything was falling apart around him, now they all knew. He shut his eyes to keep himself from having to look at any of those pitying stares. “Sean, put the fucking phone down! You fucker, put the phone down!” More and more strings of curses left him. Maybe Sean had put the phone down. Maybe they were still talking. Was he even making sounds anymore? While his throat felt like it was moving, without their expressions to go by, Anti almost felt like he was screaming into a void. Not for the first time. His apartment was ruined, his career was ruined, and now his friendships were ruined too, what else was going to go wrong?

As his eyes were shut, Anti didn’t see anything change. Didn’t notice the group tentatively approaching him. Only when Jackie grabbed him unexpectedly did Anti cut himself off. Pressure surrounded him, and a primal, irrational part of Anti’s mind assumed he was being crushed. A mouse in a python’s grasp. But the pressure didn’t increase when he took a sharp gasp for air. The hug was tight, sure, but it wasn’t intended to crush. Jackie was hugging him. The kind of hug he could have only imagined Jackie giving him. Hugs that lifted people off their feet and made them feel protected. 

Anti burst into tears.

Immediately Jackie assumed he’d done something wrong, and tried to set Anti down, but the shorter just clung to him with a soft sob. Jackie didn’t hate him.  _ None  _ of them hated him, did they? Because everyone was crowding around to join in, some mumbling reassurances as they wrapped their arms around whatever they could reach. As the tallest, Henrik had ended up on the outside of the hug, allowing the much shorter Jamie and Sean to cling onto Anti’s sides. No space went unused. It was all so affectionate that Anti could only cry harder as he wrapped his arms around whoever had ended up in front of him. Probably Jackie? It was either him or Henrik, since Anti’s smaller form barely reached up to their torso. Regardless, it made nuzzling into them easier, hiding the worst of his tears and muffling the loudest of his sobs.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m-” Anti sobbed harder into the shirt, struggling to catch his breath. Apologizing was hard enough for him. Doing it while trying to calm down was almost impossible. Thankfully, they seemed to pick up on it, and Sean gently turned his head away from the wet fabric he was nestled in. “Not now. You can say sorry if you want to, but later, yeah? You’re not fine right now. And that’s okay. We’re here for you, buddy.” He smiled softly before running a hand through the other’s hair. That was enough for Anti to start crying again. 

When Anti could finally be persuaded to detach his face (and just his face) from Jackie’s hoodie, it was early in the evening, and almost everyone was milling about trying to clean up. Obviously nobody wanted to leave the room, and in the end it took Marvin discovering of all of Anti’s empty beer bottles for someone to go and get a bin. Anti himself wasn’t allowed to help, and had instead been restricted to staying where he was, sniffling into the soaked red fabric. People had paused in the cleaning to reassure him at times. Sean most of all. Part of him felt massively guilty for it, but a larger part just liked soaking up all the appreciation. “...This is kinda nice.” 

“About to get better, too. We’re all gonna go to my place. Just the six of us. Like a party, but it doesn’t suck.” Giggling, Jackie ruffled his hair before pulling Anti up onto his feet. Another small giggle escaped when Anti tried to keep clinging to him. “Come on, how are we gonna watch movies in here? All my cds are back home. Plus you’ve got no pillows here, and this manly man needs his pillow fort!” Just for emphasis, Jackie struck a pose, though it was hampered by the fact that Anti was still hanging off his hoodie. “Okay, you gotta go hang onto someone else, this is starting to get awkward. Go hug Sean, he loves hugs!”

“Fine, you dick.” He unhooked from Jackie as the Irishman passed, latching onto Sean’s PMA shirt with a frustrated noise. “Enough of this shit, let’s get outta here. Let Jackie pick his dumb movies. I don’t wanna think of the stupid apartment any more.” After a second, he let go, deciding not to comment on how quiet Sean had been while he was hanging on. “C’mon, you nerds.”

Less than an hour later (thank God Chase could drive, since even his snail’s pace was faster than walking), they were piled into Jackie’s living room, snuggled up in the remains of his beloved pillow fort. Jackie had claimed the sofa was his right as the host, and had managed to wrangle Marvin and Jameson into lying against him, despite the dapper actor whining that he didn’t want to be stuck with the two lovebirds. Despite that, he was asleep shortly after the logos finished. Maybe he was trying to avoid the occasional flirtatious comment between the other two sofa residents. 

Anti himself had barely escaped being bundled into the middle of all of them. His preference for sitting on the floor helped, but Sean had insisted on joining him regardless of where he sat, which was met with a few giggles. Whatever that meant. All he cared about was how comfy Sean always was, regardless of the fact the two of them were both about as bony as each other. He’d tucked himself into the other’s side with a sleepy noise sometime after Frozen had started with very little protest from Sean.

“...Elsa’s kinda the bad guy at the start, huh?” 

Surprised by the quiet inquiry, Sean blinked and glanced down. Honestly he almost thought Anti had fallen asleep on his shoulder. To see the bright white light of the television reflecting in Anti’s equally bright green eyes was unexpected, but not unpleasant, since it gave him a chance to look after the younger actor without the rest of their group drowning out his quiet thoughts. For all his screaming, some of Sean’s favourite moments were when the guy let himself be quiet, let his sweeter muted side shine. 

“At the start, yeah. But she’s not really a bad guy. She just needs a little love, y’know? Sometimes people act like the bad guy because they’re scared, or hurt, or they don’t understand how they feel. All it takes is someone who really loves them.” Sean cut himself off, blinking in surprise as pink covered his face. “L-Like all of us love you, Anti. And we’re gonna make sure you know it. I promise.”

When he glanced down, Anti wasn’t awake anymore, and whatever scene he was worried by had since ended. Little purrs and snores left his lips as he clung to Sean’s shirt. He even seemed to be smiling in his sleep, a far cry from the deep frown etched onto his face when he’d been woken in the office. So open. So sweet. Sean smiled down at him and tucked the blanket further over them, covering Anti up. It was nice to finally see him resting. And Sean wasn’t about to wake him any time soon.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [So good](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22467409) by [SneezeMaster (ema670)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ema670/pseuds/SneezeMaster)




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